By James Dostoyevsky
Sometimes, when you set out to debone a Branzino, it fools you and turns out to be a Fugu in disguise.
That’s a bit like a football administrator who turns out to be a narcissistic megalomaniac, completely mistaking himself for a global statesman, when he’s no more than a mediocre village idiot.
And that’s a bit like being dead. Because when you die, you don’t know – others do.
It’s like being a village idiot.
When the present top man of world football entered the fray, he didn’t know. Others did. People like Ahmed Al Fahad Al Ahmed Al Sabah, who used to loudly claim that it was he who created GI Joe. At a dinner, in Italy of all places, with people around whom we shall not mention in the context for piety’s sake.
That was before good old Ahmed ran into some massive trouble.
Wikipedia says: “His career has been marred by controversy, including a fraud conviction in a Swiss court on 10 September 2021. This led to his resignation from the Olympic Council of Asia, where he previously served as president, and his suspension from the International Olympic Committee. His involvement in the Olympic Council of Asia and International Olympic Committee extended until 2023 when he was banned due to election interference. Additionally, he was a member of the FIFA Council from 2015 to 2017 but resigned following his implication in the FIFA bribery scandal.”
Good old Ahmed’s bombastic claim of Kingmaker is confirmed by others who were in that room when the very left-field suggestion was offered, and promptly approved.
The rest is history. GI Joe won a hotly contested campaign where Old Africa (by no means that of Traore’s Burkina Faso!) played a dubious role, and where some folks in the Middle of the East threw their votes into GI Joe’s hat instead of supporting a co-Royal. Odd place, that, the Middle East, where one King’s English mother always ascertains that her minuscule offspring adheres to No 10’s interests and not – say – those who have the same gene pool as his wife: Palestinians.
Such is power that it not only corrupts but also walks over dead bodies galore, no matter whether friend or foe.
After all, Gianni’s ties to the region are clear: his Lebanese wife plays a role, and her Middle Eastern credentials fooled many a Sheikh that GI Joe was “one of theirs”. Little does he know what they say when he’s aboard one of their jets. He might not like it, hence let’s not go there.
Even though, it is one of those jets that carried him, the most overrated servant of Middle Eastern Sheiks and Emirs, to the city with the most unbelievable light literally anywhere. Asunción, Paraguay’s capital city, is famed for two things: the bluest of blue skies, and the whitest of white light anywhere. If you’re a painter, you know. If you’re not, you know now.
The FIFA Congress is supposed to be the annual grazing ground of 211 Member Countries of FIFA, where no decisions are ever made that have not been tacitly made beforehand, and where objections to a motion are about as numerous as Gianni’s hair.
FIFA treats its serfs well: they pay the trip, they pay the food, the pay the hotel and pay them a little money – just in case. It is a circus where the Clown-in-charge is not only boss but also jester: because those who take decisions, don’t. And those who table them know full well that if they don’t, the money men will be upset. And who wants to upset the money men, right?
This dismal culture of streamlined consent was invented under Blatter after 1998 when he became Capo dei Capi – and promptly fell into the abyss of his own creation. But the culture remained, only the Capi changed. Like everything in this young century, the powers shifted – away from the West, and right into the Global South.
So Gianni, didn’t make it. He was galivanting around the Middle East with what he now thinks is his Master, whose Voice he must satisfy, or else. Not a miracle then, really, that he didn’t invite the man along whose turf Asian Football really is, including West Asia (i.e. the Middle East without Israel): the President of the AFC. No. This was his time to shine – after all he was also a guest at Trump’s intronization, standing in the back row, grinning stupidly and laughing at every joke that nobody made.
GI Joe was late because Trump and his fascist entourage were busy collecting presents in Saudi, Qatar and the UAE. And what presents at that! Qatar allegedly announced US investments that are roughly five times its GDP, and the always compliant UAE (when it comes to shoving Palestine by the wayside and sucking up to Trump) offered more than double its GDP to the New King of the Universe (he said so himself, didn’t he: leader of the US and the World – what a fucked up world that promises to be).
Infantino’s bag carrier – one of the many discarded ex UEFA guys who found a new home, one that their boss was violently fighting for a decade – the FIFA GenSec, offered a telling comment, which is about as asinine as the entire executive leadership of FIFA. He mumbled something along the lines of “the President represented all of you at important meetings that are important to football, which is important to everybody, and that is important to the entire world” – or some such. If this all was so very much about football, how come the guy who is actually in charge of the entire region was not present?
Thing is, GI Joe needed to show his boss, Trump, that he’s a reliable serf who puts Trump way above his own duties – such as silly little things like the annual FIFA Congress, where decisions are pre-cooked, and where the only thing democratic is the separation of male and female toilets. Infantino’s “dissing” of his own electorate is a first. Never before in FIFA’s increasingly dismal history has a President missed the opening of his own event. Never.
So, when a number of (European) football administrators walked out, it was a surprise. Because that, too, is pretty unheard of – but so needed.
As demonstrated by UEFA’s President. The English are good at this sort of thing, too, and walked (to their credit, one must highlight that they used to be the only Member who actually dared to voice discontent at past (Blatter) Congresses). But the fact that Hungary and Romania – presently staunch Trump sycophants – walked, too, raised eyebrows.
The instant reasoning offered by the professional liars was that they had flight connection issues. Somebody help me with that: if your own private jet is on the runway at your beck and call – like Hungarian Csányi’s is – what “flight connection issues” does he have?
European football has its own oligarch billionaires. Csányi is one of them. As for the Norwegians being miffed, is understandable: they are always miffed for some reason or the other (and GI Joe offers a plethora of reasons every single day).
So, there we go. Infantino’s desparation to play nice with Trump has tangible reasons: his much enlarged World Cup (a Saudi idea that sucks) in the US, Mexico and Canada is at risk, simply because of Trump’s volatility and madness. If the overlord of the American world decides to limit even more visa approvals, from even more countries, the US World Cup may end in shite. How unfortunate therefore, that Iran was the first national team to qualify.
Infantino needs his idiotic Club World Cup to succeed. He had major issues finding sponsors – until the Saudis bought a 25% stake in DAZN for one billion USD, the streaming service owned by staunch Zionist billionaire Blavatnik, and the exact same amount of money was transferred to FIFA for the Club World Cup – which is about as popular as a pimple on an adolescent’s nose on prom night.
GI Joe made full-throated promises. He claimed that next year’s FIFA World Cup would generate USD 46 billion (or was it 49?). Qatar spent USD 220 billion to host the 2022 World Cup. FIFA made USD 7.5. billion, of which Qatar got a small amount. According to the IMF, the World Cup boosted Qatar’s GDP by USD 20 billion, i.e. roughly 9%. Tourism, hospitality, and retail saw major gains, with 1.4 million visitors during the event. But USD 46 billion?! Really?
Infantino is part of the global club that “kisses Trump’s ass” – not my words: Trump said so himself, that hundreds of global leaders are queuing up to “kiss my ass” to get better trade deals.
At least, Infantino got the memo and abides by it like a well-trained dog. “Kissing ass” is an art form now, the way FIFA conducts itself at present. And GI Joe is an expert.
James Dostoyevsky was a Washington-based author until the end of 2018, where he reported on sports politics and socio-cultural topics. He returned to Europe in 2019 and continues to follow football politics – presently with an emphasis on the Middle East, Europe and Africa.